With all that's happened in the past weeks, I've had some time to reflect on my own funeral.  It's essentially, my last hoorah.  If you will.  After everyone gets done bawling their fool heads off, I want everyone remembering me for the crazy bitch that I was!

Presentation:  At the end of the day, I do want to be cremated, but a viewing is more fun!   I want full make up.  Hair done in loose curls.  Hands grasping not rosary beads, but my cell phone.   No. Scratch that.  A cocktail.   I want a pink boa around my neck.  Maybe a tiara upon my head.  I'd like my eyes open and my mouth open as if I'm yelling, "heeeeyyyyy, gurrrrrlllll".   I'd like buttons along side my casket with sound bytes.  Each button saying a different Leslie-ism.  

Choose from hits including:

• Heeyyyy, gurrrllllll
• How d'ya like me now, bitches?
• Mmmmmm Gayyyyy??? (ok?)

and more favorites:

• Did you say pills?
• Who do I have to sleep with to get a drink around here?
• Bitch, puh-lease!

I think that would be great.  Sound bytes of the deceased.  Unless you were a nagging wife and your husband killed you with a machete.  Your sound bytes would be all, "Where are you, what time are you coming home, ew you nasty, you and your filthy whore of a girlfriend, go back to your strip club with your whores, how dare you come at me with that machete".    Good times.... 

Anyhoo, onto the eulogy.  I would like Jason's Uncle Joe to deliver the spiritual message because he could inspire the most cynical of cynics.  Then, I'd like Sharon (me seester) to come up and give the eulogy.  Bitch, you better cry.  I want her to capture my very essence and then I would like her to offer for friends and family to come up and share a favorite story or anecdote about me.  This is when the funeral director will cue all the guests with a cattle prod toward the podium.  I want a line out the door!  If anyone shares a less than flattering story about me, Sharon is to "gong" them off the stage.  Not that I'll be on a 'stage' per se.   Or WILL I?   Perhaps yes!!!  Under a disco ball!!!!  My casket could start bouncing from the fancy hydrolics Jason will be paying for.  Ohhhh yeeeeezzzz. 

This may all seem very trivial and meaningless but it's important to go out with a bang.  Sharon and I have discussed this in great detail.  Like, for example, I know that she wishes to be married in her Cher wig and black leather pants....because, and I quote, "if your ass looked as good as mine in these pants, you'd want to be buried in them too".  

That's all I have on this particular topic.  At any rate, I figure my life is halfway over (2/3 over if you consider how I treated my body in college)--so I had better get a plan together.  You should too. Consider your lasting impressions. 

Later Tater!