It's a vagina...not a clown car
Buckle up. I've been mentally composing this email since I saw last night's 19 Kids & Counting, "Our First Grandson" episode.
First of all. We're all aware that there's a family in Arkansas who willing has 19 children, correct? Like, on purpose. Wrap your brain around that for a second. And what's up with all their names starting with J? Lame. Anyway. In their defense, they're actually a really nice family. I don't think you could stir up a scandle out of them if you tried (and I've tried). Very conservative, Christian beliefs, home-schooled (ew), each child more gracious and kind than the next. And truly, I don't get the sense that they act one way for the camera and another way in real life. I can usually sniff out a phony a mile away, but me thinks the Duggars are some good peoples.
But, you have to know, between their dreadfully long hair and their omni-present long denim skirts, you KNOW I have to beat them up about this last episode that just aired. Dear God, it was like a gigantic train wreck, but I couldn't turn away. Ok, their oldest son, Josh--who's only like...20, just got married. In their family, it is customary that you can 'court' your boyfriend or girlfriend, but you can't date. That is, no unaccompanied dates, no kissing, no nothing. Josh 'courted' Anna for a couple mos. (they met at a home schooling seminar--ew). He proposed to Anna, at like an Olive Garden or whatever. They shared their first kiss at their wedding and she was pregnant with their first baby within hours. Shocker.
Since their alleged mission in life is to mass produce off-spring, it should be no secret that they were pregnant again a few hours after their first was born. I gotta say, of all the Duggars, I care for Anna the absolute least. She's a little pious for my liking and I absolutely hate how she looks at Josh before she answers any question. She's got that 'I-worship-my-husband-because-the-Lord-says-I-should" thing going on and that doesn't sit well with me. Another shocker! It's like she had no identity before she met and married Josh. She never references her own family and she's completely adopted any and all traditions of the Duggars, as if she's been there since day one. She calls Michelle and JimBob "mom and dad" which bugs me and she does everything the exact same way her mother in law does it. Gee--ever had an original thought, Anna? Personally, I think she's let her celebrity status get to her head. And by 'head' I'm referring to her bad perm and tragic bangs.
Josh and Anna decide to take a refresher course in childbirth. Let the record show that I delivered both my sons naturally (well, with a lot of drugs, but naturally, nevertheless) and I refused any sort of birthing/lamaze classes because I can't get past that obnoxious breathing and freaky positions. Plus, I think those classes are lame. So, these two idiots are at their lamaze class together and the instructor gets them into what is known as the "Pelvic Rock" position. Anna is on all fours and she's rocking and bucking her hips back and forth. It's probably the kinkiest those two have ever gotten, so Josh and the other dads are rubbing their grubby little hands together and licking their lips. Then, the moms have to sit up and place the bottoms of their feet together, open their legs while their husbands use resistance to push their knees together. I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin at this point, I was basically hiding under a blanket watching this. Josh is all giggly and nervous and seemingly enjoying it. Freak. The camera cuts to Anna and she says, "the point of all of this is to stretch out muscles that aren't used to be quite so stretched out". I swear to God, Josh's eyebrow arches at the word, "stretch" and you can almost hear him say, "giggity". Swear to God.
Knowing that these two have pilgrim sex, with the lights out and probably with their clothes on makes this whole scenario even more crazy to me. He's acting like it's the most natural thing in the world for his puritan wife to be on all fours while bucking her big ass in the air. You just know he had to restrain himself from smacking her. Just sayin. There's NO WAY Jason would have let that slide if I EVER got into that position. I could be getting chemo and if it required me to be on all fours, he'd be behind me grinding. No questions asked.
Ok, so now that we're all up to date, this particular episode features the birth of their son. Right before her due date, her in-laws went on a book tour. She thought it would be a perfectly fine idea if she went along. Oh, an impending birth, you say? No problem whatsoever. I'll just pack a home-birthing kit in the event that I happen to go into labor on the bus. Who does that?
Lucky for TLC's viewers, she did not go into labor on the road, but surprisingly enough (not), she opted for a home birth, which is, you know.... disgusting. No doctors, no nurses. Just her 20 year old husband, her mother in law and her 14 year old sister in law, who--is about as qualified to deliver a baby as I am (which is to say, not at all). She's laboring at home and you see her walking the length of her home, which means she's basically walking approximately 3 feet in every direction. After 17 hours of hard labor, she's telling Josh that she can't do it. He takes a peek between her legs and he's like, "sure you can". If that were me, I would have said, "Gee--I never thought of it like that. Thanks for your brilliant words of wisdom, asshole" and punched him in the throat. But again, that's just me.
She keeps moaning, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus". Now, to be clear, had Leslie Bosscher said, "oh, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus" while I was in labor, it would have been assumed that I was using the Lord's name in vain. How come she gets to? How do we know she was using His name in the appropriate context. We'll never know, will we? Everyone just assumes she means it in the biblical way. It should also be noted that she's completely clothed through this entire birth process. I'm not a 'naked' person, per se, but surely I wasn't wearing a t-shirt, underwear and a long skirt while in labor. She was wearing that whole get up while she was in her birthing tub. Swear to God, swear to God. Long, heavy cotton clothing, WHILE sitting in a birthing tub. I'm dying at this point. What was more disturbing, her outfit of choice or the fact that she had a home-water-birth.
So, she moves from the bed to the tub, to the family room and I don't know....if I were her husband, I would have been like, "babe, can you just stick to one spot? You're getting amniotic fluid and blood all over the house". But, again, that's just me. So, she squats off the couch and her midwife-person says, "Anna, do you have to go potty"? At this point, Josh is thoroughly EXHAUSTED from all of his encouragement, so he goes to lay down. (douchebag says what?) Next thing you see, is Anna sitting on the toilet and the baby was born. At this point, the 14 year old sister in law narrates for everyone, "Anna had to relieve herself and that's when the baby came". Ok, let that sink in for a second. On national television, her sister in law just openly admited that she had to shit and instead, had a baby. I would have faked my own death before EVER letting that go to air. Just saying....
So, 3 minutes later, the rest of the 200 Duggars are called, Anna gets up to make Josh breakfast or whatever (he's starving, what with all the expound energy and all...) and then everyone shows up to see the baby. There are so many things wrong with that situation, I don't even have the vocabulary to go into it. A home birth. Husband, mother in law, sister in law delivering the baby. Up and at 'em 3 minutes after delivery. Hosting 200 people into their home after giving birth. And then, just going on like this happens every day...
I had to take an ambien just to sleep that night, otherwise I would have been up composing a scathing email to Anna all night. Instead I blog.
My absolute favorite part of this episode (besides the pelvic rock) was when the camera guy asked Michelle what she thought Anna and Josh were going to name the baby. Michelle says, "oh, they're very creative, so I'm sure it'll be something wonderful and interesting". Makenzie and Michael. Wow. Super creative. How'd they come up with that?
First of all. We're all aware that there's a family in Arkansas who willing has 19 children, correct? Like, on purpose. Wrap your brain around that for a second. And what's up with all their names starting with J? Lame. Anyway. In their defense, they're actually a really nice family. I don't think you could stir up a scandle out of them if you tried (and I've tried). Very conservative, Christian beliefs, home-schooled (ew), each child more gracious and kind than the next. And truly, I don't get the sense that they act one way for the camera and another way in real life. I can usually sniff out a phony a mile away, but me thinks the Duggars are some good peoples.
But, you have to know, between their dreadfully long hair and their omni-present long denim skirts, you KNOW I have to beat them up about this last episode that just aired. Dear God, it was like a gigantic train wreck, but I couldn't turn away. Ok, their oldest son, Josh--who's only like...20, just got married. In their family, it is customary that you can 'court' your boyfriend or girlfriend, but you can't date. That is, no unaccompanied dates, no kissing, no nothing. Josh 'courted' Anna for a couple mos. (they met at a home schooling seminar--ew). He proposed to Anna, at like an Olive Garden or whatever. They shared their first kiss at their wedding and she was pregnant with their first baby within hours. Shocker.
Since their alleged mission in life is to mass produce off-spring, it should be no secret that they were pregnant again a few hours after their first was born. I gotta say, of all the Duggars, I care for Anna the absolute least. She's a little pious for my liking and I absolutely hate how she looks at Josh before she answers any question. She's got that 'I-worship-my-husband-because-the-Lord-says-I-should" thing going on and that doesn't sit well with me. Another shocker! It's like she had no identity before she met and married Josh. She never references her own family and she's completely adopted any and all traditions of the Duggars, as if she's been there since day one. She calls Michelle and JimBob "mom and dad" which bugs me and she does everything the exact same way her mother in law does it. Gee--ever had an original thought, Anna? Personally, I think she's let her celebrity status get to her head. And by 'head' I'm referring to her bad perm and tragic bangs.
Josh and Anna decide to take a refresher course in childbirth. Let the record show that I delivered both my sons naturally (well, with a lot of drugs, but naturally, nevertheless) and I refused any sort of birthing/lamaze classes because I can't get past that obnoxious breathing and freaky positions. Plus, I think those classes are lame. So, these two idiots are at their lamaze class together and the instructor gets them into what is known as the "Pelvic Rock" position. Anna is on all fours and she's rocking and bucking her hips back and forth. It's probably the kinkiest those two have ever gotten, so Josh and the other dads are rubbing their grubby little hands together and licking their lips. Then, the moms have to sit up and place the bottoms of their feet together, open their legs while their husbands use resistance to push their knees together. I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin at this point, I was basically hiding under a blanket watching this. Josh is all giggly and nervous and seemingly enjoying it. Freak. The camera cuts to Anna and she says, "the point of all of this is to stretch out muscles that aren't used to be quite so stretched out". I swear to God, Josh's eyebrow arches at the word, "stretch" and you can almost hear him say, "giggity". Swear to God.
Knowing that these two have pilgrim sex, with the lights out and probably with their clothes on makes this whole scenario even more crazy to me. He's acting like it's the most natural thing in the world for his puritan wife to be on all fours while bucking her big ass in the air. You just know he had to restrain himself from smacking her. Just sayin. There's NO WAY Jason would have let that slide if I EVER got into that position. I could be getting chemo and if it required me to be on all fours, he'd be behind me grinding. No questions asked.
Ok, so now that we're all up to date, this particular episode features the birth of their son. Right before her due date, her in-laws went on a book tour. She thought it would be a perfectly fine idea if she went along. Oh, an impending birth, you say? No problem whatsoever. I'll just pack a home-birthing kit in the event that I happen to go into labor on the bus. Who does that?
Lucky for TLC's viewers, she did not go into labor on the road, but surprisingly enough (not), she opted for a home birth, which is, you know.... disgusting. No doctors, no nurses. Just her 20 year old husband, her mother in law and her 14 year old sister in law, who--is about as qualified to deliver a baby as I am (which is to say, not at all). She's laboring at home and you see her walking the length of her home, which means she's basically walking approximately 3 feet in every direction. After 17 hours of hard labor, she's telling Josh that she can't do it. He takes a peek between her legs and he's like, "sure you can". If that were me, I would have said, "Gee--I never thought of it like that. Thanks for your brilliant words of wisdom, asshole" and punched him in the throat. But again, that's just me.
She keeps moaning, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus". Now, to be clear, had Leslie Bosscher said, "oh, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus" while I was in labor, it would have been assumed that I was using the Lord's name in vain. How come she gets to? How do we know she was using His name in the appropriate context. We'll never know, will we? Everyone just assumes she means it in the biblical way. It should also be noted that she's completely clothed through this entire birth process. I'm not a 'naked' person, per se, but surely I wasn't wearing a t-shirt, underwear and a long skirt while in labor. She was wearing that whole get up while she was in her birthing tub. Swear to God, swear to God. Long, heavy cotton clothing, WHILE sitting in a birthing tub. I'm dying at this point. What was more disturbing, her outfit of choice or the fact that she had a home-water-birth.
So, she moves from the bed to the tub, to the family room and I don't know....if I were her husband, I would have been like, "babe, can you just stick to one spot? You're getting amniotic fluid and blood all over the house". But, again, that's just me. So, she squats off the couch and her midwife-person says, "Anna, do you have to go potty"? At this point, Josh is thoroughly EXHAUSTED from all of his encouragement, so he goes to lay down. (douchebag says what?) Next thing you see, is Anna sitting on the toilet and the baby was born. At this point, the 14 year old sister in law narrates for everyone, "Anna had to relieve herself and that's when the baby came". Ok, let that sink in for a second. On national television, her sister in law just openly admited that she had to shit and instead, had a baby. I would have faked my own death before EVER letting that go to air. Just saying....
So, 3 minutes later, the rest of the 200 Duggars are called, Anna gets up to make Josh breakfast or whatever (he's starving, what with all the expound energy and all...) and then everyone shows up to see the baby. There are so many things wrong with that situation, I don't even have the vocabulary to go into it. A home birth. Husband, mother in law, sister in law delivering the baby. Up and at 'em 3 minutes after delivery. Hosting 200 people into their home after giving birth. And then, just going on like this happens every day...
I had to take an ambien just to sleep that night, otherwise I would have been up composing a scathing email to Anna all night. Instead I blog.
My absolute favorite part of this episode (besides the pelvic rock) was when the camera guy asked Michelle what she thought Anna and Josh were going to name the baby. Michelle says, "oh, they're very creative, so I'm sure it'll be something wonderful and interesting". Makenzie and Michael. Wow. Super creative. How'd they come up with that?
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