With regard to "Toddlers & Tiaras",  I just need to know.  If they have $4,000 to spend on a glitzy dress, why can't they afford to move out of their trailor? Or at the very least, replace the wood paneled walls in their living room?  Yeah, I'm talking to you Mrs. Eden Woods.  Just wondering. 

And about the moms.  Is there any good looking pageant moms?  Anywhere?  Why are they all enormous and unattractive?  I mean, not a good looking one in the bunch.  But, I do giggle when they perform their daughter's routine in the audience.  Nothing like seeing an overweight hill billy smacking her own booty while doing the pouty lips face.  Git it gurrrrl!  Sparkle baby!!! 

I love when they give the little ones red bull and coca cola in baby bottles so that they'll perform better. 

I also love when they encourage their 4 year olds to dance seductively. 

I once saw a black girl get a spray tan in preparation for her pageant. 

And finally---last night, for "outfit of choice" I saw a 5 year old dressed in a Julia Roberts- Pretty Woman costume.  No, not the gorgeous red formal gown.  No, this little girl wore the white halter top with the metal ring attached to the aqua mini skirt, blonde wig and black boots.  The hooker outfit.  She dressed her 5 year old as a prostitute.  Oh, and she took home the Grand Supreme title that day. 
For the life of me, I can't imagine where all today's teen problems stem from.  Drugs, eating disorders, promiscuity.  Hmmm, a real head scratcher.   

For the record, I wrote this blog a whole week before People featured a pageant girl on the cover.  What can I say?  I'm a real trail blazer.  Like Anderson Cooper.