You know you're a mom when.....

Showering is the only alone time you'll ever get.  And even that's a joke because they will still barge right in.

You find yourself listening to 20 on 20 or Radio Disney when the kids aren't even in the car. 

You're not with your kids and you see an ambulance and you immediately wonder if your kids are in that ambulance. 

You finally agree to having a breakfast food for dinner, because simply, you just don't give a shit any more. 

You fall asleep in your kid's bed while waiting for them to pick out their book.  

You hate Dr. Seuss for writing such L-O-N-G books. 

You've never gotten into a fight in your whole entire life.....until someone bad mouths your kid.

You realize that you haven't showered in two days and you're not totally grossed out by yourself. 

The smell of baby puke doesn't make you want to puke.

You get choked up reading a Hallmark card.

You get choked up seeing that commercial where the baby is splashing in the sink and his mom is.....here we go. 

You'll knock down any little bastard that inflicts injustice upon your child.

Yoga pants, sunglasses and a ponytail become your signature style.

You find enjoyment in pitting your kids against one another.  It teaches them problem solving techniques (plus, if you secretly side with both of them, they'll think they're your favorite.  Win win!)

You find yourself allowing the most God-awful ornaments on your once gorgously decorated Christmas tree.   This is a battle that I've been fighting since my oldest was in Preschool.  How fucking hard is it for the teachers to come up with silver or gold ornament crafts, instead of gaudy reds, greens and blues??

You decide that a spoonful of peanut butter is a perfectly acceptable snack. 

You know if your kid is sick or a big fat faker within one second of looking at them.

You get excited to see Elmo.  (or Miley Cyrus, or whatever little sluts your kids are into these days)

You wipe down every square inch of the potentially life threatening surface before allowing your precious child's hands to touch it. 

You punch the air and hiss "yessss" when you finally track down that hard-to-find Christmas toy.  And if you kicked an old lady in the shin while doing so, then so be it.

You find yourself literally crawling on your hands and knees at 2 AM, searching for a binky, passy, blankie, woobie, knuffle bunny or lovey.  

Your once beloved dog takes a backseat.  (well, not in OUR house, per se...but I'm told that the family pet often gets pushed aside after the arrival of kids). 

You are forced to hold a funeral for a fish.

You can smell a lie a mile away.  I've gotten realllllly good at this one.  

If you've ever stood in line for 3 hours in the scorching sun just so your kid can participate in a "Jedi Master Training Academy". 

You can convince someone that cleaning up dog poop can be a fun game.

You find it entertaining to watch your kids fight.  Sometimes I'll pop popcorn, sit on the couch and watch them go at it.  Sometimes I'll even offer suggestions.  "Ben, he's wide open.  Grab his leg". 

You force the kids to compete against each other, just so you can get shit done.  "Alright, who can clean up the basement the fastest?"  I call this, 'chores disguised as fun'.   Cut to me sitting on the couch eating more popcorn, flipping through an US Weekly while the kids furiously clean for me. 

You don't take it personally when your kids tell your butt is big.  Their point of reference is roughly 6-9 year old boys, so yes, I'm sure my butt does look big to them.  I like to correct them, "Not big.  Juicy".

You find yourself doing things that your pre-motherhood self would NEVER have imagined doing.  Never, in my wildest nightmare did I ever foresee me working Halloween parties at school, or involving myself in conversations about committee meetings and other mind numbing topics.  But, somehow, this is my life. 

You finally realize that you used to be a completely selfish and self absorbed person until you had kids.